Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Two Weeks...I feel like a failure...:(

So, how many of you struggle with weight loss?  I have the hardest time now.  I have never had a hard time before.  I was actually lucky prior to the birth of my third child.  I did not feel like I was lucky becuase my baseline was a size 12 and of coure, like every other woman in America I wanted to be a size 2.  Today my goal is to be back at that healthy size 12 and to stay there.  I don't want to ever feel what it is like to be bigger than that again.  There are so many reasons that I have failed, so many ways in which I have not been good at losing weight.  I am ending this time period with some weight loss but I was not ready for hte challenge and therefore I am relaunching my 90 day challenge tomorrow.  I needed a fresh start and this is what I am giving myself, sometimes you just have to give in and give yourself what you really need.  I am going to post some extensive mesaurements.  I hate measuring myself and find it to be extremely frustrating and something that typically makes me feel depressed.  I know that I could be a lot worse off than I am but I can't help but look in the mirror and think that I could be a lot better off.  I am the biggest that I have ever been and I wear a size 16.  I know many women would be completely happy at a size 16 but I am not one of them.  I promise though, for myself, those around me and especially my little girls that I will never again call myself fat if I am a size 12.  I don't want them to have unrealistic expectations for their bodies but instead I want them to be happy where they are at and pleased with how they look. 

I want to start on the beginning of my weight loss journey in life.  I guess I would have to go back to childhood.  I have always remembered wanting to be thin and pretty and for some reason I have always equated thin to pretty.  I don't know if it was something to do with being a very skinny child and feeling pretty as a child and then going through the akward puberty years and feeling really ugly and gaining weight at this same time or if it were something else?

I have struggled with self esteem and confidence for as long as I can remember, it is not that my parents and family did not tell me how beautiful I was but rather that I was smart early on and realized that they had to tell me that no matter what I looked like.  I have definitely learned to see the beauty within myself as I have gotten older, mostly because I have the world's most gorgeous daughters and they look a lot like me so I see myself as beauitful thanks to them.

I was a scrawny and very skinny child.  I have always been a picky eater so I until I was older I did not discover the foods that could be to blame for my weight gain.  I started putting on some pounds during puberty and while I now realize that a size 10 or 12 is not big at the time when most girls are a size 4 or 6 I felt like a whale.  Let me interject that this is probably just where my body is meant to be.  I am quite busty and graduated high school at a size 12 with a 34D chest (this was prior to having children so I am very busty).  What I have learned now is that most of them are bigger than that 10/12 size and had I taken better care of myself and not damaged my body in ways that I did by being stupid then I would probably be at that happy weight myself. 

I have dieted for as long as I can remember.  I have gone the extreme route, not eating and trying to starve myself into a pair of jeans.  I got there but I also landed in the hospital and gave myself a metabolism that does not really work.  Of course I have had four children as well and the baby did just turn five months old but I do not really think that this is a good excuse for being fat and only think that this is something that you can use if you want to make excuses for why you are not losing weight.  I know that my metabolism now sucks but what this means to me now is that I am just going to have to work harder and be more dedicated.  I have not been in the right mindset to do this.  I now am.  Today I was quite proud of myself.  Even though I made some poor choices, I only ate one serving of things and did not go overboard.  The worst thing that I did was drink too much coke but as soon as the 12 pack in my house is gone (it was leftover from mother's day dinner with my family) I am going to make myself give it up for good.  What I have found is that even if I allow myself to have soda sometimes or with specific rules like only in restaurants is that it is far too easy for me to start drinking it again all of the time.  So the new rule for me is going to be no soda.  You are all going to have to bear with me through this transaction because it is going to be the hardest thing for me to do.  I want you all to keep me accountable.  If you live close to me and you see me even thinking about a soda I want you to remind me how horrible it is for me.  If you are far away, drop me a line on here to visit me on my FB page and ask me how I am doing Amanda Miller  I need your help as much as you probably need mine.  Let's build a support network together, even if we are only talking online we are going to be able to do better if we are all working together.

Now on to my current goals.  I want to be able to comfortably wear my size 12 clothes.  I then want to be able to fit into my size 10's but they can be a bit tight or more fitted.  :)  I will be happy at this size and I really seriously am going to keep in perspective how hard this journey has become for me.  I remember when it was so easy to lose weight and be where I wanted to be.  I had my first son and even went through a couple of marriages and divorces (long stories here but before you judge ask me to tell you more about them) and ended up at a size 12.  I was where I had always been.  I Had my first daugther (second child) and I was almost where I wanted to be.  I was wearing my 14s and ready to be able to fit into those 12s by the time that she was 7 mos old, then I stopped losing weight.  It was at this time that I found out that I was pregnant with number 3.  My second son (third child) was born and I struggled more than I had ever struggled before.  I was seeing my doctor on a regular basis and doing everything that I could to be able to try and get back into shape and where I wanted to be.  I worked hard and was not successful.  I became depressed and really struggled with what was going on with my body and the changes that were happening.  I did not ever lose weight and stayed at a size 16.  Then I started losing weight, was finally fitting into my size 14s and it was at that point that we discovered that I was going to have my fourth child (second daughter).  I was happy to know that the baby was coming but very stressed about the possibility of gaining weight.  Instead of worrying about this as I had at that time I should have focussed on my health b/c I had a rough pregnancy and was not doing well overall.  I was trying to eat healthy but was sick.  Thankfully I did not get bigger (except my boobs of course becuase those puppies gained way too much with four kids...I'm honestly hoping to get a reduction once I have insurance that will cover it and I've been at my idea weight for a while).

Anyways so here I am sitting here at a size 16 and wondering how I am ever going to get back into my 12s.  I have this strange goal of getting back into them by my 30th birthday which is in July.  I have two months and ten days and I am not sure that I can do it but I am sure as hell going to do my best to try.  So I am here talking to you honestly and openly and letting you know.  I am going to fail along the way.  I am going to need support and most of all encourangement.  So please be my support, help pick me up after a bad day and remind me that there is always tomorrow and by focussing on the good and really trying I can reach my goal.

I must say that I have noticed a huge difference now that I've been testing out the Body by Vi products.  They are truly amazing.  I feel great when I am drinking the shakes and I can only hope that I will be able to try out the products in the future as well.  If you are interested please visit my friend's Body by Visalus challenge page on Facebook or email Jeremiah Baughman a message.  If you need more information and are not on Facebook then please email me and I will link you to him in the way that he chooses.  I'd love to be able to have you all along this journey withe me.  People are achieving their goals and having amazing results regardless of their fitness levels and anyone who wnats to be thinner or healthier should try it out.  It is affordable, just $57 per month for one shake per day and something that you honestly can not afford to be living without if you have health or weight management concerns.  Come along on this journey with me and start your own challenge in a few days by getting ahold of Jeremiah and ordering today.

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